Fear

I was lying in bed the other night trying to fall asleep and thinking too much to be successful.  I don’t often have trouble falling asleep.  I started thinking about my life and my future.  I realized that when I think of the future my main feeling is fear. There are a lot of things in my life that cause me to feel fear right now. It’s not a debilitating fear and I don’t think that it’s necessarily a bad thing.  I have a lot of changes coming up and the unknown can be kind of scary. I often try to give myself goals and to push myself out of my comfort zone. I spent most of my life being very shy and missing out on a lot of life because of it. I decided years ago that I don’t want to live like that anymore. One of the ways that I make sure that I don’t fall back into old habits is by setting these goals. Sometimes they are specific goals and other times they are general things. They aren’t New Year’s resolutions because I make them throughout the year as I think of things and see areas that I need to work on in my life. I don’t really believe in making New Year’s resolutions. I feel like it makes more sense to always be trying to do better, to be a better person and improve your life. I understand that some people need a starting point for specific things but it’s not really my way of doing things. I am planning to set myself one goal this year starting on January 1st. I was reading another blog and I read about how she set herself a goal to run 1500 miles in 2012. I have decided that I would like to set myself a similar goal for 2013. Mine will not be 1500 miles. I’m thinking maybe 800 kms but I might make it a nice 1000 kms instead, or possibly more after I think about it and do the math. I will be training for a full marathon in May so I should get quite a few kms in during the first half of the year. I do still have a sore ankle though and haven’t gone for a single run since Monday so I don’t really have the best mindset right now to be setting any big running goals. It’s hard to imagine doing a lot of running when walking hurts and running hurts even more. Tomorrow I’m going to attempt to run again. Hopefully it won’t make my ankle worse.
Fear is something that always seems to be a part of my life. I think that maybe it is my biggest struggle. It shows up in many shapes and sizes and in many areas of my life. Sometimes I think that I’ve conquered it in one area only to find that it returns years later. Sometimes I have reason to fear (at least to some extent) and many times I don’t. This past year I went on a trip to Israel. Most of us on my tour bought a piece of engraved silver jewelery while we were there. I bought myself a ring and chose to have them put Isaiah 41:10 ‘Fear not, for I am with you’ on mine. I have had to trust in God many times when I’ve been scared. I continue to walk forward in faith.
As I was lying in bed the other night I was thinking about the things that currently make me a little scared or anxious. I have signed up to take a course that starts in January.  It is a basic counselling skills course.  It is a prerequisite for another program that I may or may not decide to take.  The last time I was in school was 2004.  I’m not too worried about that part of things.  I like school and learning. I do have some fear though that maybe I won’t do well in the course. It’s a fear that is based in insecurities and it is something that I need to replace with something more positive. It isn’t a healthy fear.  At the info session that I went to about the course and program they did warn us that the course and program make you look at your own life and deal with a lot of your own issues.  That also scares me a little bit.  I will have to be vulnerable. Over the past several months things from my past have regularly been resurfacing. People have been asking me about my story and it has made me aware that maybe I have some things to work through. I have also had two people suggest that I talk to someone to continue my healing. I had thought that I was doing pretty good but now new things have been coming up. I think that it’s partly just where I’m at in my life right at the moment. It’s a time when insecurities will be more likely to come up. I’m already a little more vulnerable and I have people in my life that are looking out for me and wanting to help me. That’s kind of scary but because I’m willing to move forward I don’t feel that the fear is a huge problem. I think that sometimes I don’t even recognize my own fear. I think that there are times when I’ve had a fear for so long that it is just normal. There are times when I don’t even know why I do or don’t do things but it is fear that is controlling me. It is only when I become aware of it that I can do something about it.
Another thing that scares me a little right now is that I’m planning to start doing some volunteering with homeless people and people with addictions.  I still have some paperwork to get in but hopefully I’ll be able to start volunteering in January. I don’t know how I will do in this environment. Right now I would say that it’s not something that I’m comfortable with. I can see that it could be something that I would become comfortable with once I got used to the people and the environment. It usually takes me a little while to warm up to new people or to a new situation. This one just happens to be something that is uncomfortable for a lot of people.  
My next fear is that I am currently looking for a new job as well as considering two different college programs.  The future is very uncertain for me at this point. Basically I’m at a point where I can do whatever I want but I have no idea what I want to do. There are so many fears associated with this. Will I get a job? What will I do? Will I run out of money? What if I don’t like the program? What if I hate the job? What if I can’t decide what to do? The list goes on and on. I try not to think about it too much. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I have to think about it enough that I’m moving forward in some way and doing something but I feel like there is only so much that I can do. I think that other people actually worry more about my situation than I do. My family and my church are always asking me what my plans are and checking to see if I have enough money. Pretty much everybody I know tries to help me think of possibilities. I appreciate this but sometimes I just get tired of the same conversation over and over. I try to tell myself that maybe one day someone will suggest something that will be exactly what I want to do. But until then I will keep moving forward conquering fears when and where I can. I will try to be excited about my future even when there are so many unknowns right now.

My niece had another bad allergic reaction today. Another EpiPen and another ambulance ride. 😦 I don’t know many of the details yet but she is home now and will be monitored throughout the night by her parents. I don’t know what is going on and why she’s suddenly having severe reactions. I hope that it’s not a new allergy to something. That is my fear. Although no matter what it’s scary. Hopefully they’ll get some answers soon. Prayers are much appreciated.

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